


Exar's End

by cloudedhue



Series: Destiny OC Guardians - Neri, Exar-3 and Delmi [3]
Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, why do i do this to my ocs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 06:29:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21114254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudedhue/pseuds/cloudedhue
Summary: Luna came back to haunt her. Crota might be gone, along with Oryx, but their reach is still here- especially in Exar-3.





	Exar's End

**Author's Note:**

> The fall of my dear Exo Warlock Exar-3 that I've learned to love a ton by writing this and putting her in a lot of misery :) I don't even know if Exos can canonically get PTSD but hey, canon is only a suggestion, right?

Exar froze when she saw the shotgun mere centimeters from her face. Starlight tried to make her come to her senses, but it was too late- she was dead. Starlight prepared to resurrect her Guardian, afraid of what her reaction will be.

A couple of seconds later, there was Exar again. She looked confused at first, shortly after understanding what happened and asked in a separate line to Shaxx to be let out early from the match. Luckily, he was already aware of what was going on, so no more words needed to be said. He nodded to give his approval but didn't dare to say something right now. After all, how can you deal with a Guardian with PTSD? Even the well-known loquacious Crucible-owner had trouble finding the right words- if there were any.

Quietly, both Exar and Starlight excited the arena and headed straight to her quarters. While Starlight sent some worried looks over Exar's way, the latter did not respond, just forced herself to keep walking and trying to avoid as many people as possible. Chatting was definitely not an option right now.

Not before long, they reached Exar's room, and for the first time in years, she locked the door, setting her status as "away in a mission." She felt like the air was missing and knew it was a mistake to shut herself in the room instead of occupying herself with her work, but...

"It's okay. You're allowed to rest, you know."

It was annoying how much Starlight knew what to say, knew her, enough to grasp what she was thinking.

"I'm allowed, but I shouldn't. There's much to do, and I should be helping Eris decode the-"

"You're not going back to Luna until you can set a foot there without having a panic attack, Exar. This is not a choice."

Exar felt ill and thought she would throw up, but instead, tears came as a surprise as they rolled down her face, rapidly increasing in amount. She knew the catharsis of crying and rest would do her well, but everything felt wrong. She did not feel like herself and soon would stop being herself if she couldn't get her act together.

_You need to calm down_, she thought to herself, more as an order than an observation.

Four, seven, eight. Four, seven, eight.

Starlight nudged her to bed, helping her, as much as possible, to get off her gear so she could lay down properly. Exar acted like she was sleep-walking, appeared to more senselessly, but Starlight knew she was concentrating on her breathing.

"Try to rest sometime, you haven't had much sleep lately."

"I don't need it."

Exar's voice sounded no louder than a whisper, which made Starlight feel miserable- this wasn't her. She needed to get herself back from that place.

"Your mind recognizes as if you do, so it will be better once you sleep. It's okay, Ex. It won't happen if you don't want to."

_But it will happen_, Exar thought to herself. No matter if she decided against it or not, they will reboot her if she is not working correctly._ Who knows about an Exo that is mentally ill? Nobody, because we get rebooted the moment we don't function as expected. I will lose my memories, I will lose my knowledge, I will lose myself._

Exar has been Exar-3 since, it feels like, forever. Her Ghost found her as Exar-2, and the introducing of Light forced her to be rebooted to Exar-3, but it didn't bother her- it was a beginning. If she had had the choice that moment, she would have agreed. She needed to be in the best she could ever be to achieve what meant to be a Guardian. Her performance since then had been exceptional; her state of mind always clear as Starlight looked out for her and helped her if anything became troublesome, but nothing that they couldn't handle together.

That was, of course, until The Great Disaster occurred.

It took a miracle to survive it, but she kept wishing she hadn't. She could barely talk when she got back from Luna with the other very few survivors. She used to be friends with Eriana, but after that event, Exar could never talk to her again. She felt ashamed. Eriana lost her partner, and nothing except revenge fueled her going forward- she didn't lose drive, she didn't show weakness. She died trying to avenge what mattered to her. Exar cowered in her room, in her books, letting the other Guardians take jobs involving the Hive or the Taken while she went to insignificant patrols. The Vanguard didn't reproach her, but it didn't matter- she did it herself.

_Why aren't you stronger? Why are you a coward? Why can you not get out of your room to fight alongside other Guardians to reclaim what's ours? Why can you not use your Gift to help? Why could you not save them?_

Ikora knew something troubled her, and she tried, more than once, to get close to Exar. To help her out. But Exar knew that this troubled Ikora at a personal level as well- she saw Eris where Exar was. She has not been able to help Eris, so she will help Exar instead. But an Exo mindstate is not so easily understood, no matter how human it can appear, not even for the Warlock Vanguard.

So Exar isolated herself and kept on performing scholar tasks. It wasn't an easy process, and it certainly didn't fix it, but she was able to slowly get out of her room again and live a whole life afresh. Though she knew very well she was just ignoring the problem- Exar knew it will blow on her face, sooner or later.

She chose later.

When the Red War was upon us, Exar was able to help others alongside her fireteam: Neri and Delmi, that were also aware of Exar's guilt. They tried to help as much as they could, but there was only so much someone can accomplish when Exar is just trying to forget. She could also help in Mercury, then Mars, and even could help Neri when she was hunting down the Barons with intel to her Ghost.

Exar could feel her gaining redemption at her inability to do anything during The Great Disaster. But primarily, redemption because she survived when countless others didn't.  
Until Luna came back to haunt her.

Everyone received an emergency broadcast from Zavala because of an increased Hive movement in the Earth's moon. Everyone was called for duty- including her.

The moment she set a foot in Luna, everything was covered in darkness. She woke up hours later, screaming- the nightmares had come back. Exar could not breathe, could not feel her body, and could only wait for the others to go back as Ikora prohibited her from going again.

It's been three weeks since then. For the first time in those weeks, Exar tried doing something different than having panic attacks or staying in her room all day, trying to focus on anything else that wasn't her own weakness. So, she decided on the Crucible, arguably her best activity besides reading and studying. She was no Ikora, but she was proud of how well she could defend herself against other Guardians.

Of course, that also failed.

The whole world seemed to stop when she saw that shotgun aimed at her, but instead of the gun, she saw Crota. She froze in place and could barely register when Starlight resurrected her. Now she was in bed, her Ghost laying with her, keeping her company, but the world hasn't resumed its course. In fact, she wasn't sure it would do it any time soon.


End file.
